“You May Not Listen to What I Say, But I Know You’re Listening to What I Do”

Parents have probably always known that command, “Do as I say, not as I do” is as fruitless as it is hypocritical.  Indeed, much more important that what we say to kids is what they see us do. 

The famous “Bobo the Clown” research of psychologist Albert Bandura brought this reality chillingly home in the 1960s.  In this experiment, children were shown video tape of an adult interacting with an inflatable clown doll.  Some children were shown video of the adult acting aggressively toward the doll—striking it with a hammer, tossing it up into the air—and others were shown video in which the adult simply sat quietly next to the doll.  Anyone who’s ever worried that his or her smoking, drinking, swearing, or overeating would rub off on the children will not be surprised to learn that the children who watched Bobo being treated aggressively were much more likely than the other group to act aggressively with the clown when their turn came. 

Bandura’s research helped to develop what has come to be known as “social learning theory,” which describes the ways in which children and adults are influenced by their environment.  Social learning has powerful implications for parents and teachers, helping to explain, for example, the commonly known and tragic phenomenon of children of smokers being more likely to become smokers, children of abusers being more likely to abuse, etc.  Social learning theory also helps to explain how much gender-role learning takes place and why racial and other stereotypes can be so difficult to weed out of our culture.

But the news here is not all bad.  Whether they are always conscious of it or not, effective parents and teachers regularly use social learning to the benefit of the children in their care.  Fortunately, our children pay attention to our laudable actions as well as our less impressive ones.  When our children see us being kind, honest and compassionate, they are learning from us how to be good people.  By our habits of reading for pleasure and self-edification or of working hard for long-term goals, for example, we may do more to support our children’s long-term learning and success than by any advice we give them or fail to give.

Bottom line:  better watch your step, because your kids sure are.